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Accountant_Jokes

Accountant Jokes
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New Jokes Posted 08/09/2013

Welcome to the Two Fun Guys and an Accountant Joke Page sponsored by Thorsten Consulting Group, Inc.  Our objective is simple - have fun, lighten up and learn to laugh at ourselves.  If you would like to submit a joke, send it to the accountant - jim@thorstenconsulting.com

If you haven't visited Thorsten Consulting, please do so now.  Be sure to get your copies of Business is Like Fishing, Family Business: Boon or Bane, Why Businessess Fail or M&A, Tricks, Traps and Terrors.  Download your product when you order.

On with the jokes and it is time for new jokes!!!!  Here is the latest joke -
The CEO and CFO were perplexed.  They thought they had hidden all of the unusual transactions for the past year and were sure that the auditors would never discover their fraudulent practices.  On the last day of the audit, one of the audit staff that the CEO and CFO did not recognize came in with all of the transcations that the devious pair had covered up.  Obviously they were shaken.  Finally the CFO said, "how did the Audit firm discover these transactions?"  Without batting an eye the young person said, "Audit firm?  I am with the NSA!"

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Al Gore was in a dilemma. His Global Warming theories were falling apart and his data did not support his thesis. He was constantly embarrassed on stage when his charts and slides depicted the exact opposite scenario of his thesis. As a last ditch effort, he sought out advice from an experienced accountant who regularly had to present difficult financial topics to large audiences. Gore asked the Accountant, "How can I possibly be right all the time when my charts show that I am wrong? Without batting an eye the Accountant looked at Gore and said 1 word. "Acrylic." Gore parroted him back - "Acrylic?" The Accountant said, "Absolutely, paint all of your charts on pieces of acrylic. Do not show an X or Y axis but outline the chart in the figure of a square." Gore said, "I don't see how that's going to help!" To which the Accountant replied, "Turn the acrylic sheet over and rotate it 90 degrees. One chart fits all!"
  • There was an accountant named Phil,
  • his clients he'd overbill,
  • He charged them all double,
  • and if they caused trouble,
  • he'd add $100 more for a thrill.

  • A college student just graduated and was looking for a job. He goes down to the local CPA firm and asks about the profession. He talks to a Senior Accountant who describes what life is like as a CPA. The College student asks about pay and the Senior says, "it's not too bad." But if you're really serious about being an accountant, there are 2 things that you should know. "First, you need to wear a suit everyday and most importantly you must develop a bad sense of humor." The college student thinks to himself that's not so bad, however, the student is more worried about the workload. He asked the Senior Accountant about the workload, to which the Senior promptly responds, it's not too much but after a while it gets a little taxing.

    Contributed by: Barry Reed

  • A CPA routinely charged his dentist (Jones) too much on the monthly processing of his financial statements.  When the dentist found out how he had been over billed, he was very angry.  However, he didn’t want to confront the CPA directly.  Now the CPA also used Dr. Jones for his personal dental care.  Prior to switching to Jones, the CPA never had any problems with his teeth.  Over the last couple of years however, the CPA was bothered by the increase in dental work on his teeth.  He had 5 cavities and 3 root canals.  On his last visit the CPA said, “Doc, I am disappointed by the increased dental work.  Any suggestions on how I should brush differently?”  Dr. Jones replied without batting an eye, “No suggestions whatsoever.  The care of your teeth is far better than most people.”  Dismayed the CPA said, “Then how can I reduce the amount of work that you do on my teeth?”  To that Doc said, “Oh that’s easy, stop overcharging me and your teeth will get better by your next checkup!”



    There was an unscrupulous accountant that always overcharged his customers.  He had a special clock built that ran faster than other clocks.  It ran at nearly twice the speed of a normal clock so that 1 hour would appear as 2 hours.  He then tracked his time by using the fast clock and in essence doubled his billing hours.  He bragged about his overcharging process to his close friends and his wife.

    He also bragged about other topics such as his golf score, his time in running the mile and his endurance when being intimate with his wife.  The latter was his most proud accomplishment.  Therefore, it took him by surprise when his wife filed for divorce a year later.  He stated "Dear why would you leave me?  I have given you money, a fine house, campanionship and a great love life!"

    She replied, "True, you have given me money and a fine house - although by ill gotten gains.  Your companioship is shallow because you only think of yourself AND as to your skills in the bedroom, I just wanted you to know that I had a clock made just like the one you use at work!"

  •  

    • The Doctor told the CPA Partner of an accounting firm that he had a terrible brain disease.  The only course of action was to remove a section of the brain.  The CPA asked,"Doc, what will happen to my career if you remove a part of my brain?"
    The Doc responded, "If I remove a quarter of your brain, you will no longer be able to operate as a partner of the firm.  You will only be qualified to be a manager.  If I have to remove 1/2 of the brain, you will only be qualified to be a senior accountant.  If I remove 3/4 of the brain you will only be qualified to be a staff accounant.  However, if I remove your entire brain, there is good news and bad news."
    The CPA inquired, "What is the good news?"
    Doc said, "medical science has come such a long way, we are able to successfully remove the entire brain and surprisingly, we can fill the open cavity with dung and you will be able to continue your life."
    The CPA exclaimed, "If that is the good news, what on earth is the bad news?"
    Doc said, "You will no longer be qualifed to be any type of an accountant, but you will finally be qualified to be a politician!"

    An Accountant, an Engineer and an Attorney met over lunch at the local cafe.  When the waitress left the food bill on the table, the Engineer was the first to grab it.  He stated, "Let me review this and I will make sure that each of us pays their correct amount."  The Accountant snatched the bill from the Engineer and said, "Wait a minute, I can maximize the dedution so that Uncle Sam subsidizes this entertaining meal."  Finally the Attorney, grabbed the bill and laughed, "Rookies - You're both full of it.  Just pretend that you are choking and I will show how to pay for your summer home at the lake!"
    The company accountant walked into the CEO's office and offered him the following suggestion:  "We could improve productivity if we reduced the amount of time that everyone spent on washroom breaks.  Therefore, once someone opens the washroom door the lights will automatically go out within 120 seconds."  The CEO countered "What if the person is not finished?"  Without flinching the accountant replied - "We'll treat them the same way that we treat lunch breaks.  If they are not finished at the end of lunch, they can bring it back to their desk and finish it there!"

    A recent ad was posted for an accountant to work on special projects.  Following were the criteria -
    Must be visionary - like ENRON
    Must be flexible - like Andersen
    Must be ethical - like Madoff
    Must be BULLeivable - like CONgress
    Send resume to: Turbo Timmy c/o the Treasury

    From the Asheville Citizen Times
    Jerome Jones, the Buncombe County tax collector, was quoted with the following jab at accountants. A schoolboy lied to his teacher about his father's profession, saying the old man was a stripper in an adult club. Pressed as to why he lied, the boy replies, "My father's really an accountant at Arthur Andersen, but I was too embarrassed to tell you that." A translated accounting joke From an Accountant in Spain who swears he knows what a sheep looks like.
    Here is a popular accounting joke in Spain. I hope I translated it right:
    Counting sheeps:
    An accountant was walking on the countryside when he found a shepherd who had a lot of sheeps. The accountant said to the farmer: "Listen farmer, I can guess how many sheeps you have. The farmer started laughing "Oh, dear! I have a lot of sheeps. You will not be able to guess how many there are. "Lets bet something: if I guess how many sheeps you have, you will give me one of your sheeps. If I don't, I will pay you 100 $. "Ok, how many there are? "There are exactly 1354 sheeps. The shepherd was shocked: "Incredible! I really have 1354 sheeps. Well, a bet's a bet. You win. Choose the sheep you want. "Oh, I will take this one", said the accountant and he took one. "Wait for a moment, sir", said the shepherd, "Let's do another bet: if I guess what is your job, you will give me back my sheep, and if I don't, you can take another one". "OK. "You are an accountant. "Oh, God! That's true. But, how do you know it? "Give me back my dog, and then I will explain you. From an accountant with an electric personality.
    How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
    Hmmm....let me run a few numbers and get back to you.... Submitted by an individual that has never walked more than 150 feet to get into a retail store.
    Why did the accountant put his CPA license in the front window of his car?
    So he could park in the handicapped spaces! Slight twist on joke contributed by a banjo playing CPA in Rochester, NY: This new version was submitted by an individual that is neither "twisted" or fond of managers.
    A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or to where. Seeing a man walking down the street, he cries out: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?" Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer by says: "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field." "You must be an accountant, sir," replied the balloon's unhappy resident. "How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by. "Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now, " answered the balloonist.
    The accountant says "You must be a manager." The balloonist says "How would you know that?" The accountant replies, "Because you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, and you are exactly where you were 10 minutes ago but somehow it's now my fault!" From an individual at the University of Central Florida who denies owning sating sheets.
    How does the kinky accountant do his accounting?
    On satin balance sheets. From A CPA with high aspirations from the Olympic Peninsula, Washington state.
    An economist died and was carried by angels to heaven. There St Matthew, the tax collector, greeted him and took him on a tour beyond the Pearly Gates. Off in the distance, the economist spotted an imposing wall beyond a moat filled with menacing creatures. "What's beyond the wall?" he whispered. "Oh that," replied St Matthew. "That's where we put the CPAs ... they think they're the only ones here." From a St. Louis U. individual that denies ever being afflicted with drooling.
    Q. How do you know when the books are in balance?
    A. The accountant drools out of both sides of his mouth. Editorial comment - Thanks to our French visitor who not only noticed a few broken links but also translated some of these accounting jokes into French. From someone mixing too many chemicals.....

    Q. After mixing the genes of a porn star and a rhinocerous together, what do you get?

    A. An Auditor who butts his nose at every material transaction, and charges a lot of fees for every Satisfied EXplanation.

    From someone in Wales who is looking out a window....

    Q. Why don't accountants stare out of their office windows during the mornings?

    A. 'Cos they'd have nothing to do at lunchtimes.

    From a Chartered Accountant wanna-be in South Africa

    Thought you guys might appreciate this one :

    A final year accounting student sees his buddy ride past on a new bicycle. So he stops his friend and quizzes him about the origin of the bike."The funniest thing happened the other day", the friend begins, "this first year student is pushing her bike past me, when suddenly she stops, takes off all her clothes and tells me to take what I want!!!!" To which the first student replies, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fitted anyway!!".

    Carry on the good work!!

    from a professor who continues to lose 3 hours of sleep each night

    Q: What is the definition of a good tax accountant?

    A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

    Q: What is the definition of an accountant?

    A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

    * Accountants have the best figures and do it without losing their balance.

    * An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't sleep at night."

    "Have you tried counting sheep?"

    "That's the problem! I make a mistake and spend 3 hours trying to find it."

    from an Englishman that is into Ponds

    Snatch of conversation heard by a pedestrian walking behind two accountants:

    "... and, ninthly, ..."

    from a Senior Audit Consultant in CA

    The usual follow up to "Accountants are the ones who come in after the

    battle and bayonet the wounded" is:

    Lawyers are the ones who follow the accountants and strip the bodies.

    From the accounting students at the University of Richmond

    "Why did the accountant cross the road?"

    Here are the top 10 responses.

    1. To open a consulting practice.
    2. What else does an accountant do for fun?
    3. To count the chickens.
    4. Because the lawyers were on the first side.
    5. It was April 15th and the bar was on the other side.
    6. So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
    7. The client told him to.
    8. Because that's what was done in the prior year.
    9. To bore the people on the other side.
    10. Because he just broke GAAS on the first side.

    From a C.A. in Montreal

    What's the definition of a consulting accountant?

    It' a guy (or girl) who will tell you 30 ways to make love but doesn't know any girls (boys).

    From an individual that used the following career survey to plan his future-

    HERE ARE THE TOP 10 REASONS TO BECOME AN ACCOUNTANT:

    10. Audits Happen

    9. You're too sincere to succeed in Marketing

    8. You can take your "Stupid Accounting Tricks" with you when you change jobs

    7. Pocket protectors are bound to come back in style

    6. You get to see your old friends every six months at the CPA exam

    5. Business Administration Majors go to work for their parents

    4. Norm Peterson makes a great roll model

    3. You can color your conversations with exciting phrases like "alternative minimum tax" and "substantive tests of details"

    2. You have great pick-up lines for parties: "Hey baby, can I vouch your assets?"

    1. You don't have to go to law school to get a job !!!!!!

     

    Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?

    A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.

     

    A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. The Martian goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think of that?"

    The owner replies " I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant"

     

    Accountant's Knowledge

    An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

    Accountant's Value

    If - as per the previous joke - an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!

     

     

    " From an ethical person who is willing to exchange her personal check for any and all cash you have".

    A doctor a Minister, a Lawyer, and an Accountant are friends. The lawyer finds out he is dying of cancer and gives each of his friends an envelope full of money. He tells them he can't stand the thought of being without it so at his funeral would they each place the money in the coffin. They all agree. At the funeral they wait until everyone else has viewed the body and each goes up one at a time. The Doctor places the thick envelope in the coffin, then the minister places his thick envelope in the coffin. Finally the accountant places his small envelope in the coffin. After the funeral the Doctor and Minister ask the accountant what happened, for he had agreed to put the money in the coffin. The accountant said, " But my lawyer has always taken a personal check!"

    "From an individual that is willing to be a prison guard."

    CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: The income tax!

    Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death

    When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

    Fight ORGANIZED crime...Jail the I.R.S.

    "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

    From a CPA with only one child

    An accountant was attending a tax seminar in Las Vegas. The lawyer sitting next to him was obviously bored with the presenter, and suggested the two of them slip out to the lobby for a cigar. The accountant replied, "well, thank you for the invite, but I tried smoking cigars once, and I didn't like them... I'll have to pass".

    A few minutes passed, and the lawyer asked, "this is a very tiresome presentation... how about we slip down to the bar and have a cocktail?" to which the accountant replied, "Oh, I tried drinking once, but I didn't like it very much."

    Finally, after about a half hour, the lawyer says, "listen, tonight after the seminar a couple of us are heading to the tables to do some gambling. Would you care to join us?" The accountant replied, "you know, I tried gambling once, but it just didn't appeal to me... but I'll tell you what. My son is flying in tonight, and he might want to tag along with you." To which the lawyer said, "your son? let me guess...an only child?"

    From friends of CPA's in Wisconsin - that wish to reengineer a joke.

    I have a different version of the constipated accountant joke:

    Q. What do accountants do when they are constipated?

    A. They use a No.2 pencil.

     

    From an individual that on this occasion would prefer to be a lawyer or a Doctor. (Again for the politically sensitive group, change wife to husband, etc. etc. )

    A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are all applying to join the FBI. The have passed all tests but the final one. All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The lawyer is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The doctor goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Finally the accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging. Finally the accountant comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

    From a Taxing individual with $45

    An Attorney and an Tax Accountant are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Attorney leans over to the Tax Accountant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Tax Accountant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Attorney persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the Tax Accountant politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Attorney, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'This catches the Tax Accountant's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

    The Attorney asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Tax Accountant doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Attorney. Now, it's the Tax Accountant's turn. He asks the Attorney: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Attorney looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

    After over an hour, he wakes the Tax Accountant and hands him $50. The Tax Accountant politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Attorney, more that a little miffed, shakes the Tax Accountant and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Tax Accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the Attorney $5 and goes back to sleep.

    From caring and compassionate individuals with dents in their bumper

    Q. How can you tell the difference between a dead accountant lying in the road, and a dead deer lying in the road?

    A. The dead deer has skid marks in front of it.

    From a CPA who is the most credentialed person to submit a joke yet!

    Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Three. One to hold the light bulb, the other two to turn the ladder.

    "From a CPA with perfectly folded maps in her glove compartment"

    Q. How do you drive an accountant absolutely insane?

    A. Tie him to a chair, and fold a road map up wrong in front of him.

    "From a puzzled CPA in Virginia" (Editors note: To ensure marital bliss, this joke was created by the better half and submitted by her husband.) Karen Brown, CPA Please visit their website.

    Three accountants walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: "Here's to 59!" After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: "Here's to 59!"

    This happens again and again. Finally, the bartender asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is. "Well," said one of them, "we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!"

    "And that's a big deal?" asked the barkeep.

    "You bet," said the same accountant, "the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!"

    From a CPA in Richmond :)

    accountants aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.

    From Tom with a spiritual perspective

    The lawyer dies, and somehow (s)he goes to heaven. As the attorney passes through the pearly gates, a crowd is waiting, cheering.
    The lawyer is amazed at the reception, and sees St. Peter in front of the crowd. "A special day!" St. Peter proclaims, "It's not every day that we get the opportunity to welcome someone here who has lived for a hundred and forty-five years!"
    "Uh, a hundred and forty-five?", the lawyer muses aloud. "But, I was only fifty nine years old when I passed away."
    St. Peter looks concerned. "What's the meaning of this!" he exclaims. "Summon the Holy Accountant at once!"
    Very soon a nebbish looking angel appears, peering through bi-focals and frantically flipping the pages of a very large ledger book.
    "I don't understand where I could have made a mistake," the Holy Accountant says, "I added up his billable hours ..."

    From Gizmo in Texas

    For Beth on your accountants' jokes page:
    Accountants do it without losing their balance

    From a CPA at AOL

    A surgeon, an accountant and a lawyer were arguing about which of them was practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said "God created Eve from Adam's rib. Obviously, God is a surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession." The Accountant protested, "Before God created Eve from Adam's rib, He created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows that God was an accountant before He was a surgeon. Accounting, then, has to be the oldest profession." The lawyer sat for a moment wryly smiling, looking at the surgeon and the accountant. "That may be true," the lawyer said shrugging his shoulders, "but who created the chaos?"

    From a CPA in Texas

    Q. Why did the Accountant cross the road???

    A. To bore the people on the other side!!!

    Weird but True story
    As the "Two Fun Guys and an Accountant" we play at a variety of events. However, with one exception, never has anyone failed to guess which one of us was the Accountant (and no - I do not wear green eye shades).

    As we finished playing for a wedding, a recent college graduate came up and was very complimentary. Then she asked "Which one of the you is the Accountant? I can't tell." The Two Fun Guys were merciless and before they would tell her, they wanted to know what this graduate did for her profession. She proudly replied "I'm an Accountant too!"

    From a CPA that can juggle words as well as numbers

    Q. What kind of ant can count?

    A. an AccountANT

    Taken from a Newsgroup where the contributor did not know the original author - if you are out there, feel free to send me an e-mail -

    ENGINEERS vs. ACCOUNTANTS

    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
    "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

    They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
    The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

    When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

    For Beth who was curious if we had ever heard any accountant jokes that go, "Accountants do it ..." (like "Plumbers do it with snakes," etc.)
    Here you go - Accountants are Certified to do it in Public.

    From an Engineer who would really prefer to be an Accountant

    • Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
    • A: When he realizes he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
    • Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
    • A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
    From a DJ with a familiar perspective re: youthful auditors


    Q. Why do audit firms only have 10 minute coffee breaks?

    A. If the breaks were longer, they'd have to retrain all the staff

    Having trouble keeping your A/R department up to speed? Stand in the middle of their department and sing the following words to the tune of "Rawhide"

    Billing, Billing, Billing
    Oh our staff are willing
    Oh our staff are willing to Bill
    For everything we'll bill 'em
    And Every bill we'll send 'em
    We'll do this till the end of the sale

    Keep on calculatin'
    For cash we are awaitin'
    Awaitin' to keep out of jail

    Add em up - send em out
    Add em up - send em out
    Add em up - send em out
    All night!
    Follow up, Follow up
    Bring bucks in - tonight!!!! Yeah.

    From a Bostonian in the ultimate travel business

    Which end of the rope do you throw to a drowning accountant?

    Both!

    From a caring and compassionate Auditor

    An auditor is the guy who comes in after the battle to bayonet the wounded.

    From a Controller from Down Under

    An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.

    Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off the hook.

    Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says "Write two envelopes".

    From an animal rights activist @ juno

    Q. What do you get when you cross an accountant and a gorilla? A. A smarter accountant.

    From Squiffy SQUIFFY

    This nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter's gate. St Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks: Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life? Well says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also. St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?" The accountant replies "About five minutes ago".

    From an Ugly Duck

    Q. Why do Accountant's make good lovers? A. They're great with figures.

    From Dallas, TX

    There are 3 kinds of CPA's in the world - Those who can count, and those who can't.

    An Accountant's joke from the UK

    Q. What is the difference between a Finance Director and a shopping trolley? (Editor's note - Cart on this side of the pond) A. A Finance Director holds more food and drink ..........

    A Taxing perspective from Florida

    Income Tax is Uncle Sam's version of Truth or Consequences

    The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

    A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile. Thank God, returned Mr. Carr. I thought you were going to want cash.

    Income Tax Examiner: Mrs. Fredericks, what's your husband's average income? Mrs. Fredericks:Oh, about midnight.

    Gary Frisch looked at his income tax return and sighed. Y'know something, Elly, he said to his wife,if Patrick Henry hated taxation without representation, he should be here today to see how lousy it is WITH representation.

    From a Controlling CMA

    You might be an Accountant if....

    1. Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card 2. You refer to your child as Deduction 214 3. You deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses" 4. At the move Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation 5. You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======" 6. If you have no idea that GAP (sic) is also a clothing store You might be an Accountant

    From a DOC in CA

    A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend. The accountant says, A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired, you just move on. The lawyer says, One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of yourself at important gatherings with influential people. The physicist says, You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend; the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!

    From a very disturbed CPA in cyberspace

    Q. What is the difference between a football and Accountant?

    A. The football goes farther when you kick it.

    From an article in a South American Newspaper --------- "....the charter crashed into the side of the mountain. The Pilot, crew , 4 CPA's and a prize showdog died on impact. Memorial services will be held on Thursday for the Pilot, Crew and dog .

    From a Banjo Playing Philosopher

    Q. What do you call an Accountant who marries an Actuary?

    A. A Social Climber

    Q. What do you call 1,000 accountants on the bottom of the ocean?

    A. A good start.

    From a CA in Australia

    Accountants never grow old they just lose their balance

    From a Wolf in cyberspace

    Q. What does an accountant use for birth control?

    A. His personality.

    From "Far out" of AOL

    Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and an honest accountant are locked in an office with a bag full of cash: $1,000,000 in small bills.

    Q.?...What happens?

    Ans.!!..Nothing, they are all fictional characters!!!!!!!!

    From the University of South Florida

    Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

    A. Depletion

    From a CPA in Manalapan, NJ

    Q.What does an actuary do to liven up a party?

    A. He invites an accountant.

    Q. What does CPA stand for?

    A. Can't Pass Again.

    From an extrovert at Deloitte & Touche

    Q. How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert?

    A. An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you. An introvert looks at their shoes when talking to you.

    From a Sr. Accountant from Louisiana

    As my former boss told me (by the way he's a lawyer, but that's another joke), CPA stands for, "Can't produce anything."

    there once was an economist named Wayne, who's fringe theories were considered insane, with the markets in recession, his life was an obsession, to prove that a loss was a gain.

    From a C.A. in New Zealand:

    A young graduate begins working in the office of a fusty manufacturing concern.

    After a few weeks he has an accounting problem he can't solve. He goes to the Chief Accountant and shows him the problem and asks for help. Later in the day through the open door he watches as the Chief Accountant reads the report, opens his bottom desk drawer and stares down at something in the drawer and then writes the instructions.

    Years later the young graduate is now the Office Manager. Again he has a problem, writes it uptakes it to the Chief Accountant. Again he watches through the open door as the Chief Accountant studies the problem. The drawer is opened , the long stare,then the writing of instructions.

    The Office Manager puzzled over this for many a long night. What might be in that darn drawer? Years pass. The Chief Accountant is about to retire. The Office Manager comes into say good-bye but his curiosity gets the better of him. All these years I've seen you stare into that bottom drawer. What's in there?

    The Chief Accountant says that since you will be my successor I can show you what was left for me by my predecessor when I came here 20 years ago.

    He opens the drawer.A note is pasted to the bottom of the drawer. It reads:

    THE DEBITS ARE ON THE SIDE CLOSEST TO THE WINDOW !!

    Following a shipwreck an engineer a lawyer and an accountant were adrift on a raft. In the distance they see an island.

    The engineer using his technical skills and knowledge of physics ties himself to the raft using a rope and dives into the water swimming towards the island pulling the raft behind him. Sharks attack. The lawyer and the accountant only just manage to save him.

    Next the lawyer dives in planning to use his golden tongue as well as well as speedy footwork to get the castaways to the island. Almost at once the sharks attack and the accountant saves him.

    The accountant then dives into the water not even bothering with the rope. The sharks sweep in and instead of attacking the accountant they push the raft to the island. The engineer and lawyer are amazed. How did you do that they ask. Professional etiquette he replies.

    From a C.A. in Toronto:

    (a)Do this with Jackie Mason's voice...."Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant...even if he wanted to be one?"

    (b)Visual joke-I have a cartoon in my office, two old accountants on motorcycles, with "Hells Accountants" on their jackets. The caption is "Hey, lets go downtown and gang-audit somebody"

    Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? A. Jail

    There once was an accountant named Dave Who nary a cent did he save Wine, women and song It didn't last long His fees he will have to raise.

    NOTE - for those of you that wish to carry political correctness to the absurd, please replace Dave with Faye, and women with men. For those of you that have never held a wine glass, insert beer.

    The following are reflections on tax preparation:

    • Have you ever wondered why people are quick to brag about their income, but refuse to list it all on their income tax?
    • Have you ever wondered why people refuse to drop a dime in the Salvation Army Drum, but are quick to list significant miscellaneous cash donations for their itemized deductions?
    • Have you ever wondered why someone refuses to share their age until they get an extra deduction on their tax return?
    • Have you ever wondered why someone would refuse to discuss their weight - until they think that the cost of dieting can be considered a medical deduction?
    • Have you ever wondered why child support is such a contentious issue when everyone wants to claim everyone that they ever knew as a dependent?
    • Have you ever wondered why you can't complete a form within the IRS suggested time frame?
    Contributed by a banjo playing CPA in Rochester, NY:

    A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or to where. Seeing a man walking down the street, he cries out: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?" Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer by says: "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field." "You must be an accountant, sir," replied the balloon's unhappy resident. "How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by. "Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now, " answered the balloonist.

    How can you tell when an accountant owns a used car lot? She keeps turning back the gas gauge.

    How can you tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant? The actuary is the one with a personality. Did you hear the story about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil. There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position and had a variety of individuals applying for the position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question how much is 2+2? The first candidate was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed that the answer was 4. The second candidate was an attorney. He stated that in the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was proven to be 4. The final candidate was a CPA. When asked what 2+2 equaled, the CPA did not respond immediately. He looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair and went to see if anyone was listening at the door. Then he returned to the business owner and said, what would you like it to be? If you would like to make fun of other professionals, try these links to other joke pages regarding Professionals Actuarial Jokes Economist Jokes Yahoo - Entertainment:Humor, Jokes, and Fun:Lawyer Jokes If you just want a laugh, check out this Joke Archive ___________________________________________________________________________